Remorse, the Zero Sum Game
Ruth Ann Stites, Staff Writer
Back when it was new, I became a fan of Jan Karon’s delightful series, “The Mitford Years.” The first book, At Home in Mitford, was released in 1994 followed by 13 more with the 15th novel to be released this fall. In it a bachelor Episcopal priest, Father Tim Kavanagh, finds his tidy world upset by a dog as big as a Buick, a boy in need of help, and a beguiling new neighbor. Filled with quirky, homespun characters and plenty of wisdom, both secular and spiritual, the residents of fictional Mitford, North Carolina, endeared themselves to readers nationwide. The series soon became a success story in the publishing world, and the fourth novel in the series, Out of Canaan, debuted on the New York Times best seller list in 1997.
In preparation for the upcoming release of My Beloved, I had to read To Be Where You Are. As usual, part of the charm of a Mitford book includes valuable and moving spiritual insights. One of the themes woven into the story is dealing with remorse. While we all feel regret over misdeeds and missed opportunities, remorse cuts into the soul even more deeply and can become debilitating if left to fester without the treatment of forgiveness and change. Regret focuses us on wishing something was different in our past. Remorse is punishing ourselves for the guilt of our past. In one sense, regret is outward focused while remorse is inward focused. It’s the difference between wishing we could get a do-over and knowing we can never undo the morally wrong action we have committed. Remorse is regret on steroids.
Unless treated properly, both can become barriers to spiritual growth, but by far remorse poses a bigger issue in our lives. Regret is like a fly at a picnic, which could possibly cause illness but probably won’t, while remorse can be like a deadly mosquito swarm attacking animals and people through blood loss and disease transmission leading to a much higher probability of death.[1]
The treatment for both regret and remorse is very much the same. It is to let these emotions become a motivation to change. And the most effective way to enable change in our lives is through forgiveness. We must learn to repent…accept and acknowledge our guilt and turn away from sin toward God. We forgive ourselves for our failures just as He has forgiven us. Our regret and remorse become reminders that, first, we need not keep rehearsing our past failures, big or small, and second, these failures become guideposts for future behavior…for doing what is pleasing to God rather than the displeasing things we have done before. This way of dealing with regret and remorse may or may not require extending the act of forgiveness to those we have offended. Depending on the circumstances it may mean we pledge ourselves to do better in some areas of our lives or it may require facing some past sin head on. Either way, we can’t play the game of life to win if we can’t deal with our regret and remorse effectively.
Forgiveness is rooted and grounded in the nature of God, in love. Love pulls us out of our self-centered focus on our sins and re-focuses us on becoming someone different from our failed self, a person who can let God’s love overflow in our lives rather than stagnate or drain away (John 4:4-14; 7:37-38; Jer. 2:12-14). Once we have cleaned up our spring of living water we can confidently share it with those around us for this is an eternal spring that never fails (Isa. 58:11).
(Photo credit: R. A. Stites, Lake Atalanta Park, Rogers, AR)
[1] For more information try Should I throw away food once a fly has landed on it? – The University of Sydney and Blood-Sucking, Livestock-Killing Mosquito Hordes Are 2020… – Newsweek.
